depth in the form of a text message

I just had the most in depth conversation over text messages that I have had in a long time...And I had to share some of it because I think I find myself getting so caught in the day in and day out that I forget that I use to be a writer, a poet, an intellectual who sought out challenge, justice and truth...or maybe I still am.
It just becomes, I just become, buried in the bills and thrills of the everyday and I fail so often to think about the place I came from and where the Lord has me going...It's so easy to just be, to just exist, without thinking of why...

This life is a journey, a path, and something we can choose to take part in kicking and screaming, or just sit back and watch the sun rise and the stars come out...

I don't think anyone should ever settle...ever...You deserve someone so in love with you. If they aren't crazy about you, forget it. No one should ever have to convince themselves. Love should change you in a good way...

But don't be fooled. Love means you have to be unselfish. You can no longer just do whatever you want. And, I cannot lie, that has been hard for me. I am so use to doing whatever I want, whenever I want, never having to call in and check with anyone. For the last 3 years I have gone where I want to. I have traveled. I have seen the world. I eat when I want, I drive how I want, and I have only worried about me. If I want to run at 11:00 at night, just to see the stars, and feel cool wind on my face, I could and I would.

Yes, we fight a lot because I am so use to being on my own, getting whatever I want. I can't do that anymore. I choose to think about someone else now. I choose to think about Ron and how he feels and what he wants. My friend stated it so beautifully by saying, "Love is a commitment." We choose to be be capable of loving. And it's definitely changing me. For a long time I choose to run from it..

With Ron it was different than anything I have ever felt before. Everyone before taught me so much and made me the person I am now. But I realize the benefit of that...It is crazy because it's like everyone else planted the seeds and someone else gets to enjoy it...And I use to question and wonder how this was even fair...But I am realizing that as much as it was about me growing, I have also helped others become who they were suppose to be. It's all a process. Love, that is. And we all take part in it...Making other better or who they need to be while learning who we need to be...

With Ron I just knew. Don't get me wrong, I fought it for the first 3 weeks, and then I just gave up. And gave it to God. We had a date on the Friday night he was suppose to leave and I was going to end this new "friendship" with him. But something happened. I can't even explain it. I guess I just stopped running and being scared and realized I was capable of being loved. And I just knew...

"It's so crazy how we often run from love when it's the thing we all want the most"

But after that point, that moment in time, I never changed my mind again. Yea we fought some, we still fight some haha. But, it's OK. It's not suppose to be perfect. It's messy and that's life and that's what makes it beautiful. We all have a purpose and a plan and it's just lots of times those paths don't make sense till you get to where you road crosses another. Then all the bad and all the hurt and all the past. It just makes sense. And you know why you had to go through it. So you can finally love and let love.

But you deserve someone so amazing. We all do. Someone who loves you at your worst, and trust me, my worst is kind of rough. Even if the waiting is the hardest part...

I can't get away from the idea of faith, hope, and love. I need them to get by. But I don't think I ever understood Christ's love for me til I learned to love Ron, not that I completely know now. It's still a journey. But I choose to believe the reason I found Ron was because of the Father's love for me. I can't really explain it as much I as I could try. But, I don't know, it just made me truly believe in His faithfulness.

Maybe when you find that one all your questions and ideas, and what if's will make a little more sense. When you are standing at the front of an aisle with your Bride or Groom facing you at the other end, well that's when you'll know. It might be the most amazing moment you will ever have with the Lord, but then the process...well, it finally makes sense.

lazy lonely saturdays

so...we are finally getting into some kind of rhythm it seems like...For me, however, Saturdays are the worst...See Saturdays are my days to sleep in...I think it really should be like a world-wide event..I mean everyone knows you sleep in on Saturday....Except for the fact that Ron has to be at setup on Saturdays, his job, sometime during the 11:00 hour...Which means, starting somewhere around 8:30 his phone will go off continuously....it is slightly aggravating for me and my attempts to sleep in....But eventually, I wake up and get going...he leaves around 11 and I'm left at the house...I normally cook breakfast and make coffee but today we are out of creamer....and then I spend sometime online or doing my homework and clean...I try to work out before I have to leave for church but it's so hot right now that it's very hard...But when is boils down to it, unfortunately I spend my Saturdays alone...it's not very fun...and I know I could go help Ron with setup but I dunno...I just kinda want to be lonely on Saturdays...

today I have spent my morning looking at blogs and I have realized I wish I could have done things for my wedding differently, a lot differently...but oh well, maybe sometime Ron and I could do a photoshot of us in our wedding gear but I could actually have nice hair and makeup...haha..that would make my little heart happy...

I start work on Monday....I am slightly nervous and just hoping my license information comes in! I am still waiting on it!
Please be praying for a miracle...

Seems like Saturdays are pretty lonely...I know in time the Lord will send me great Godly women to hang out with and I will be so busy I won't know what to do...but until then I guess I will just work on being lazy, finding coupons, and knowing one day the Lord will both have us in an amazing place, serving him, where we can do it together...

trusting in things unseen
jen